Note to new readers: This post is part of my 30 Days of Writing Practice. I am allowing blocks of 10, 20 or 30 minutes of my day solely to putting my swirling thoughts on paper. No going back to edit which will only serve to stop the stream of consciousness. My writing buddy Kat and I (Wruddy for short), we call it writing from the heart. Please read my introduction for the full story.
Have you noticed a paradox in my writings? I refer specifically to Day 19 “Crushing” and Day 23 “My Papa Samuel”. In “My Papa Samuel” I talk about my life coping skill of “numbing” and in “crushing” I talk about feeling and attaching to objects, songs, people, etc. Ano ba talaga, Cha? What is it really? Well, I am both. Depending on the circumstances. You see, if it wasn’t for this writing exercise I will not have seen this opposing parts of me. Yes, two parts of me is in dichotomy. It’s like I’m holding up a mirror now, to arrive at a realization. So let me take a moment to digest this a bit. Analyze with me, will ya?
The little child Charina grew up in an unstable home environment, to put it mildly. It wasn’t all that bad, I have family who loved, love me. But my parent’s separation and the subsequent moves from place to place were not normal. (Hey, that upbringing gave me tenacity). It was only towards mid high school that we stopped moving. Believe me, there is so much more in my baul (chest), lots of riveting stories that simply will not fit in 30 Days, my darlings. What I’ve shared so far for the past 25 days are mere snippets of the Charina story. The Azucena story is even more juicy. (Mental note to self: Start the Azucena memoir project soonish.)
Ok back to my supposed analysis. The rough upbringing made me retreat into my shell. I became shy, introverted, and undemonstrative. This was my armour. I did not dish out love for fear of getting hurt. So that was me as a child living in Surigao and Cebu.
8. Write about “leaving.” Approach it any way you want. Write about your divorce, leaving the house this morning, or a friend dying. – Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones
Enter college. I left home. I studied in Manila. The act of leaving gave me permission to change. I was on my own. I can now paint my life using pretty colours. So I did. Slowly. Surely. I bonded with so many kindred spirits. I learned to share myself, my time, my heart. I un-learned non-attachment big time. I loved my new girlfriends fiercely. I found my soulmate in Ariel. Wait. It was him who found me. Discovered me. He found the key into my soul, so he burrowed his way in. Into my mind. Yes he used his mighty pen; he wrote his way into my heart. And I never wanted another man.
In adulthood, I began to fall in love everyday….the total opposite of the little Charina. And what joy. What absolute utter bliss to just “feel”. To not hold back. Leaving the Philippines for Australia was another giant step of finding myself. I learned to love passionately, to live fully, and share without compunction. Give lang ng give. Hand in heart. I learned to trust YOU.
So that’s how I changed my life. I physically had to leave my past. My childhood. To arrive at myself. As children, we are in chains, not aware that we have wings. As adults, we have the power to break free and learn to use our wings. I hope you made that change. And if you have, I hope you realize it for what it is. So kudos to all of us for finding our true selves.
One more thing. I did say that the dichotomy of numbing and crushing co-exist in me. If loving/crushing seem to be a future threat (read: a future pain), then I will turn on the “indifferent” switch. But if the object of desire is no threat, boy oh boy, Cha will love love LOVE.
All the best,
ChaR-g
If you don’t know her yet, meet quirky Bjork and “Oh So Quiet”. ( I can’t find the LIVE video. Maybe I’ll find it tomorrow. Ito na lang muna. And I am off to bed, kiddos!)
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