It was mid-day at work.
I sat there in front of my keyboard when something dawned on me. I realised quite epiphany-like that “life is a constant state of waiting”. There is not enough being in the moment. In the contrary we are always waiting for something to happen, then there is also that state of constant wanting (read: the grass on the other side of the fence seem to be greener always!)
I am waiting for my Belong broadband to be connected. (We are moving to a new internet provider)
I am waiting for my third half marathon event to occur (Nov 2).
I am waiting for a property purchase to settle soon.
I am waiting for a whole lot of people at work to complete their tasks because I have dependencies on them!
I keep waiting, I keep waiting….
I wait for email responses. I wait for lunch break. I wait for gym time when work finishes.
But you know what….Amidst these whirling thoughts, I noticed that all the waiting I am doing right now are all rather short term. They’re all very tangible and real, they’re not airy fairy fluff or wishful thinking or daydreams. I am not waiting for some unknown future to occur.
I am not waiting for my next holiday.
I am not waiting for the next public holiday so I can have a long-ish weekend.
I am not waiting for a pay rise nor a promotion.
I am not waiting to move to a different role at work.
I am not waiting for my long service leave (3 months off!)
I am not waiting for retirement. At all.
I am not waiting for the next big thing in my life.
I am not waiting to be happy. (Because my happiness has been on low-hum for months now.)
I am not waiting to get out of the rat race! (Because in my heart and mind, I am already out of the rat race!)
Instead, I am waiting for concrete things, I call it The NOW Things.
I used to live for the future, you see. A future that may never come. A future full of doubts, insecurities, worries and what ifs. What will happen to my autistic son when I die? It sounds very dramatic, doesn’t it? But every life decision me and my hubby made stemmed from that fear! We were always trying to accumulate/invest stuff to prepare for The Future. Today, I decide that I have invested enough, worked and saved enough, and planned to the Nth degree enough. It is time to reap the rewards, harvest the crop, cash the dividends, claim the benefits! I am confident in my heart that Migo will be fine. We have built enough safety nets around him. At worst, the system will look after him.
All I need to have is trust in what we have “built”.
My FUTURE begins TODAY. It is looking “very great” indeed.
I was living for the future. Then. I am living in the present. Now.
PS. I leave you a beautiful poem called “The Last Time” as read by Ms Chiqui Pineda, my writing and life buddy slash mentor. Mums and Dads alike will love this.