I love my stay-at-home mum friends dearly. We need more people like them in our society. Less small children in daycare and more nurturing home cooking mums at home. But up to a certain point. So please hear me out. This is the story of my 12 months working in a department store called Myer Hornsby.
I was a stay at home mum for 2 blissful years, from 2002-2003. When the kids were between 1-4 years old. Migo went to big special school at the age of 4, as special needs kids start early for that much needed early intervention. So, as soon as Migo was at school from 9am to 3pm, I immediately decided it’s time to go back to work. Part time work. Because I still want to be home for the kids by 3pm. Any kind of work. In the western world, the easiest work to get in was in retail. So I applied for a job in a big department store. I worked 4 days a week during the times 10am-2pm. Perfect! I did not earn much. I remember I was paid a mere $15/hour (2003’s minimum wage). It was such a far cry from my usual payslip in the telco industry. But was I bothered? No, I was not. Myer Hornsby was a five minute walk from our apartment, I was having conversations with other grownups, I was earning $15/hour, I was getting back into living outside my little family, I was contributing once again to my superannuation!
I have a friend who is a stay at home mum until now when her eldest goes to university. From a distance, I could see that she is having a tough time. For years and years, her world evolved around raising her two girls. Then one day, the girls became teenagers and needed her less and less. Oftentimes, even pushing away her now unwanted attention. In my mind, I think she suddenly found her hands empty. Her days empty. Her husband is at work all day, friends around her have their own lives and even careers, and I just feel that her situation is truly quite lonely. She is not alone mind you, but I just think inside she is…painfully bereft. I am not close to her. So I could not really tell her what I think. If she was my bestie, I would tell her this. Find yourself again. Get yourself a job. Quickly. Or you will lose your sanity quickly. Get a new life!
I would talk to her sooner than later and would have advised her to go work part time as soon as the girls went to high school. It is not all about earning money. Because what is $15/hour after all. Now if you find a job that’s above minimum wage, then lucky you!
Here’s why I decided to go back to the workforce when the kids started going to Big School:
1. I yearned for adult conversation. Being at home with the kids 24/7 reduced my thinking and talking to their level. Imagine having an autistic child thrown into the mix. My brain started to function differently, my thoughts were occupied with kid stuff. Kids’ toys, food, clothing, TV shows, songs, activities etc. The endless mindless painful therapies I have to learn and go through with Migo. Every day. I became one with my children. That is not a bad thing at all in itself. But you lose touch, you really truly lose touch of your “adult self”. Your brain as they say become “mushy”. You say, how about conversations with your husband? Don’t we all know that when the husband comes home, the predominant conversation is all about the children? Let’s face it, being a parent means… Our World=Our Children. You need to get out of this mold, this small world, when the the kids hit school age.
2. I craved adult connection and stimulation and interaction. I needed to know what other people were doing with their lives. I liked exchanging information and everyday stories. I wanted to rant about my dramas at home. I needed to connect and engage with other grownups. My favourite mantra is this: Pick other people’s brains. Because I learn and become a better person when I pick someone else’s brains! So yes, you need to surround yourself with adult human beings. The old lady who mutters and takes forever to pay for her merchandise. The stay at home mums who are regulars at the Lay-By counter. A customer who is always returning unwanted items. All these random strangers have stories to tell. It’s amazing to be out of the house that’s not a playground nor a grocery aisle.
3. I needed to start paying my taxes. Ok, that’s just a joke. But in Australia, when one is employed, the employer pays 9% of one’s salary package into one’s superannuation fund. A “super” is, simply put, our old age pension on top of the usual dole pension that the government will pay anyone from age 65. I needed to start building and working towards my own retirement. Because in the western world, one does not rely on one’s children for one’s retirement. It’s look-after-yourself kind of thing. Look after your own financial future. Starting tomorrow is too late!
4. I was seeking new energy. I brought a different energy at home. Suddenly, I was telling my children and my husband different stories of my day. People I’ve met, difficult customers I’ve served. My stories were no longer confined to what happened within my kitchen and my laundry. Ok, I simplified that. But I hope you get the point.
5. I wanted to earn my own money. This is the biggest deal for me. Personally, I want to have my own money. My own mother taught me this. “You must be your own fallback. Your own Plan B.” It is her way of saying that I cannot be completely and irrevocably 100% reliant on my spouse for all of my needs. Because life can take its wicked twists and turns. And she is right. It happened during the first six months in Australia. And it happened again when my husband was in between jobs for four months, just a few years ago. I am grateful that it has not been worse than it has been.
6. A chance to miss the kids. I think this pretty much sums up items 1,2,4. I needed a timeout. A fairly regular timeout where my thoughts are different from their usual kid friendly thoughts. I answered phone calls, solved cash register problems, attended to queries about shoe sizes. What a holiday that was. I had conversations with college kids who were working part time. I asked them about their school life, their favourite subjects, their latest travels, their current boyfriends. My job became my version of an escape. It kept me sane, balanced, grounded. I was excited everyday to go home. I would rush to the kids’ schools to do pickups. I was happy to see them again. Because my mini-escapes gave me a chance to miss and pine for them! Distance. I needed distance, both physical and mental, to allow for yearning and appreciation of what I have.
Other reasons why you should re-join the workforce: A chance to dress-up and put on makeup and wear high heels (if allowed at work); have lunches and coffee breaks with work-friends… Start out with one to two days a week. See how that feels like.
Do volunteer work. Circulate. Meet people. Expose yourself.
I didn’t have to work full time. I didn’t have to work in a stressful job with big responsibilities. The simple mission was to get out of the house and be Charina.
Not a wife nor a mother.
In the twelve months that I worked at Myer, I kept on applying for a role in telco. Finally in September 2004, I got a job at Optus. And here I am still. Now.
But you know what? I believe I have come full circle. After 2 decades of working, I am now ready to stop. And that my friends is a topic for another blog!
Love For Always,
Cha R-g
Meet the Cornflake Girl and Tori Amos. I’ve seen her live at the the Sydney Opera House. She’s mesmerizing to watch!
Gerlie Cárdenas says
Cha dear, Mine already came in full circle…worked for 17 years and 8 years for being a full time mum (or should I say stay at home ;D…will it continue to count (Lol)? I would admit that there are times that I am in a state of dissonance. There are so many good reasons to go back to work but at the same time there are so many compelling reasons why I need to stay at home.
Whheeew, this gives me an uncomfortable feeling and tension because I am holding two conflicting ideas happening at the same time. Anyway, two things are for sure, I enjoyed my times when I was working and I am still having fun being a full time mum. ;D
myglorybox.com says
Wow Gerlie, Wow. I managed to ‘move’ you enough to leave a comment. Wow ulit. Your case is different. You are both the mummy and daddy with the great Daddy Roy flying to and fro… And yes I keep changing my mind about these things… 17 years for you, it’s 20 years for me and counting… going part time is the most ideal for me. Tell you what, don’t let me confuse you. Follow your heart, my dear!
Chiqui Pineda-Azimi says
Amen—> ❤