Note to new readers: This post is part of my 30 Days of Writing Practice. I am allowing blocks of 10, 20 or 30 minutes of my day solely to putting my swirling thoughts on paper. No going back to edit which will only serve to stop the stream of consciousness. My writing buddy Kat and I, we call it writing from the heart. Please read my introduction for the full story.
Oh I have a very astute feedback today. Which tells me that this friend of mine is paying attention to my writings. Let’s call her Venus. Venus is a headturner. I know because I walk beside her and I notice this. My friend? She seems oblivious to the admiring looks. Venus tells me that my Day 15 and Day 1 are about the same things. Bravo, my darling. That is why I used the term “stretch” as if I am resting between rounds. So I repeat and rinse (term grabbed from Wruddy).
Today is #ThrowbackThursday, an Instagram hashtag. It’s a blast from the past.
Since Day 1, I have been pushing back the time when I have to write about Miguel’s diagnosis. To be honest with you, I cannot remember anything. I cannot remember how I felt, what went on in my heart and head. I thought of checking my old Yahoo Outbox, but I do not find an old email. I am positive that I have written about it. It looks like I will have to dig deep and remember. Now. On this blank page. So dive deep…
It was late 2001, when Kuya Migo was 3 and Gab was 2. Migo was a very quiet boy, delayed in speech. We have been told that boys’ speech delays are quite normal, that there’s nothing wrong with it. Hence, it didn’t bother us that at 3 years old, Miguel still has not uttered his first complete sentence. It was all babbling and a handful of single words. He has not learned to call us mum/dad or papa/mama. He had a penchant for lining up things around the apartment. Small cars, shoes, lego blocks. We thought that very cute. Gab didn’t necessarily do the same. Migo would often cry for no reason, a tantrum. We could not use the hand dryer at the shops or the vacuum cleaner/blender at home. He had to be removed from the room when Dad was vacuuming. It seemed to hurt his ear. Same was true with the blender. Since he was our first born we thought none of it.
One day, Gab was browsing a Target catalogue and uttered, “I want a Thomas the Tank Engine”. A simple yet complete sentence. Ariel and I exchanged a look. Here was Gab talking coherently. Migo’s younger brother has overtaken him in a speech milestone. I wasted no time, and saw our family doctor. She immediately hooked me up with Dr Wilkinson, the shire’s pediatrician. Dr Wilkinson was not a warm doctor, she was very businesslike. In hindsight, I think you needed to be quite firm in your demeanor when dishing out the bad news to distressed mums. She tested Migo straight away. And I saw with the way Migo responsed that something was awfully wrong. We must have gone back to see her a few weeks later to get the proper documented results. Migo, my little darling, was diagnosed with autism. I remember looking at this medical report with a list of available services for his condition. I must have immediately frozen all emotions at this stage. I have a knack (or is it a gift?) for blocking out painful memories. I cannot recall how I felt. So let’s use the word empty. I don’t remember crying at all. I don’t think I ever did. But I know something inside me died. A certain kind of light. I just went into auto pilot. Went home. Never even remembered how I broke the news to Ariel. It’s all blank to me.
There I spent 10 minutes trying to recall the emotions and nuances and I draw…something that’s not enough (to me at least).
And then I found this. Hallelujah. What I needed was not in the SENT folder. It was in my INBOX. My darling Khaleesi replied to an email I sent to her. Now I have the actual event, captured, in an email. Big big sigh of gratitude.
My dear friend,
I have long wanted to share with you this “story”. I waited until a formal diagnosis was made. Now that we have it written in paper, I do not know where or how to begin.
Our journey started May last year, when our doctor referred us to a pediatrician because she was concerned that at 2.5 years, Miguel has not started speaking. The pediatrician thought that it was quite normal for boys to have speech delay, he advised to wait and see. He also told us to see an audiologist and a speech therapist. The audiologist proved that Miguel’s hearing was fine. The speech therapist however dropped a bombshell. She suggested autism, and to contact the Autism Association. The whirlwind of phone calls, waiting, and doctor visits started. To cut it short, Miguel was formally assessed only last Jan. 9. The result of which came out last Jan 22.
The result was anticlimactic. We knew all along that Miguel had development problems. It was not just his speech, it was also his lack of social skills. The word autism was finally confirmed. How did I feel? I felt relieved. Relieved because now we can move forward, and no longer hang in the air, not knowing what is wrong. Now we can access all the early intervention programs available in the community. I did not allow myself to feel any pain, anguish nor guilt. I must remain strong, and not lose my way in this journey. For my son, Miguel. In this journey I must also take along Gabriel, my other son, and not lose focus on him. He must not suffer from lack of attention, now that his brother is No. 1 in the family. Of course there is Ariel too. He has been quite open-minded and supportive of our efforts to get to the bottom of it all. I feel that I am not all alone in this battle. I feel blessed that I belong in a society where persons with disabilities have their place in society, and given respect, importance and help.
What is autism? Autism is a behavioral disorder marked by three distinct features: severe speech delay, impaired social skills, and repetitive patterns of behavior/play. It generally strikes boys more than girls, and usually appears before the child turns 3. There is no medical cure. But early intervention or treatment can be administered to improve the child’s dysfunctional features. A child with autism lives in his own world. He is quite content to play with the same toys all day – spinning wheels, rolling cars. He fingers most objects obsessively, does not know how to play with other toys appropriately. He gets upset with unfamiliar noise, or the sound of blenders and hand-dryers.
Miguel is now enrolled in Occupational and Speech Therapy. Both free services. We are in a waiting list for a pre-school for Autistic Children. One wonders why there is even a waiting list. This disorder is not a rare one after all.
My role is cut out for me in the next two years. Because in the next two years, when Miguel turns five, he will go to kindergarten. I must prepare him for
school and the world in general.
Anyway, now, when I look at Miguel – I can see a beautiful boy, healthy and full of life. He is special. I am beyond asking – why us? why him? Because I love him and he is my son. Autism and all.
For catchup reading of all previous days, click here. Comments please. Leave me a comment. C’mon don’t be shy. Scroll all the way down to leave a comment.
Do come back again tomorrow, for Friday. Another flashback, maybe?
All the best,
ChaR-g
Chiqui Pineda-Azimi says
Rich, my darling. Very, very rich. And yes, BRAVE. Toast ta! *clink* To you and your brave shoulders, for taking on, albeit unflinchingly, so sooo much and to your shining soldiers and knights UNarmoured…instead, delicate and soft and warm like the brave, beautiful butterfly mama that they’ve got!
Norberto says
We have the same “knack” for blocking pain… I have to say its a gift now. Great article.
Norberto says
Love this line ” I am beyond asking β why us? why him? Because I love him and he is my son. Autism and all.” it is very positive and forward thinking, no looking back but just finding the solution. Cheers to you and Ariel and also Gab
cynthia navallo says
I consider all this a blessing in our family. Hats off to Ariel for taking everything in stride and understanding with patience the situation of our angel. My darlings, God gave us this little boy (now a teen-ager) for a reason. You have both weathered the storm and is now a very happy bonded family. I am very very proud of you and Ariel for sticking it out with our angel.
D says
Why you? Because Migo is indeed special. Special parents had to be found for him. Lesser moms and dads would not have been able to raise such a wonderful child. Lesser moms and dads would not have been able to raise him and a second child not wanting for anything. You raised both without losing focus on either. For that, I am in awe.
myglorybox.com says
Dungho. You made me teary reading, choking reading. I never thought of it that way. Thank you, my sweet. And I say that back to ya. Big back at ya. We, you and I, are AWESOME! Awesomeness we are.
Claudinne de Pedro-Asinas says
So how is he? he must be around 13 years old by now. how is he coping? can he talk now? does he have friends now?how is his relationship with his brother? pasensya na ha ang dami kong questions. π my friend daisy flores salgado recommended your blog to me. it is beautiful and i admire you for being strong, as most special needs mom HAVE to be. i love your line about being on “autopilot”. and i love that your sons are named miguel and gabriel. kinda eerie because my two sons are named the same but it’s my youngest gabriel who was diagnosed to have autism 6 years ago. May God bless you and your family, especially migo. π (yes, my son also covers his ears.)
admin says
Hi Claudine, Many many thanks for dropping by my blog, and to leave a comment is lovely of you. Miguel is 14 now, he is very happy currently. Well behaved boy. His speech is still that of a 4 year old. But he understands perfectly (receptive language is OK). He does not have any friends as such. But he is known to interact with classmates at school. naglalaro naman sila. He goes to a special school. With regards to relationship with Gabo, let us just say that it is quite challenging. More so for Gabo, kasi he has to put up with Kuya’s strange ways. But healthy brother relationship naman sila. Malaki ang pang-unawa ni Gab.
Super eerie nga na pareho ang names ng kids natin. You seem to be in a happy place. So may God continue to bless your family and keep you strong. – Cha
Jops says
You are one strong woman Cha!
I cried … especially when you said … “I did not allow myself to feel any pain, anguish nor guilt. I must remain strong, and not lose my way in this journey. For my son, Miguel. In this journey I must also take along Gabriel, my other son, and not lose focus on him. He must not suffer from lack of attention, now that his brother is No. 1 in the family. Of course there is Ariel too.”
That is so tough … and I hope that you take care of you too … because there is “you” too.
Hugs!!!